Scored Review - Suicide Club

Suicide Club (2002)

They say that the most important thing in any movie is the hook. The thing that grabs your attention and doesn't let it go. Well, I'd like to give Suicide Club, a Japanese live-action thriller, the award for best hook ever.
The film starts out innocuous enough. High school girls in their suggestive Japanese uniforms plod down concrete stairs towards the subway station. Random business men glance their way, a woman grabs hold of her young child's arm. A picture perfect image of a Japanese city retiring after a long hard day of doing what ever they do. And as the subway rattles into the station to complete the image…all 54 school girls jump in front of the train, drenching the entire station in a deluge of blood.
Thus begins the most twisted movie I've ever seen. I'm not going to ruin the plot for you because it's overall charm is in its ability to have you think that maybe, just maybe, you have a grasp on what's going on in the movie, when all of a sudden they throw something completely random at you, like…let's say, a cross dressing pop star wanna-be in sparkly heals randomly braking out into song as his cohorts rape and kill girls in the background. Oh, except for one guy, he couldn't rape or kill anyone, but that's only because he was on a leash.
Watch this movie, I beg you, PLEASE watch this movie. Watch it again and again, please, if you find out some deep meaning behind, it tell me. This movie acts like it has some big symbolic message to tell, but it just left me grasping at straws.
All jokes aside, you should watch this movie. This is one of those films that makes you take a long hard look at Hollywood and wonder if it's really all it's cracked up to be.
And if nothing else, it's a great conversation piece.

Me: I just saw 54 Japanese schoolgirls commit suicide in Hi-Def
Girl: …
Me: HI-DEF!
Girl: *Franticly Dialing the Police*

All right so maybe it's not the best conversation piece, but it's still freaking awesome and horribly intense.
And in the end that's all that matters.

Pros
- TONS of attractive Japanese schoolgirls
- Not produced by Hollywood
- Freaks you out without resorting to creepy music
- Did I mention the schoolgirls?

Cons
- A lot of random people sing in this movie
- There was no real resolution
- I still don't really know what point this movie was trying to make
- I know its not a con but did I mention the schoolgirls?

Lessons I Learned From This Movie
- Japanese schoolgirls contain triple the amount of blood in a regular human
- High heels make animal cruelty look fashionable ("Look FABULOUS as you crush the heads random animals in sacks")
- I'm not the only one annoying underage Japanese pop stars make want to kill themselves (for instance everyone in this movie)

IMDB
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0312843/

Final Decision: 4/5

Scored Review - Big Nothing

I was a little unsure what to expect out of this movie when I first grabbed it off the shelf at the local Family Video. After all, it did star Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz), one of my favorite actors, but co-starring with David Schwimmer? But this movie proved to be one hell of a ride, with comedy, thrills and gore to spare.

The plot revolves around Charlie (David Schwimmer), a former teacher who after his first day of work at a call center, he gets fired. However, not before meeting Gus (Simon Pegg) a wannabe scam artist who promises him quick riches extorting Reverend Smalls, a preacher with a passion in illegal porn websites. Wanting to provide for his wife (Natascha McElhone), who just so happens to be the local cop, and his young daughter, the normally cautious Charlie agrees. Things quickly go awry however, and plenty of comedy is soon to follow, keeping you laughing to the rather morbid end.

The movie has its clichés of course, one particular conversation between Charlie (Schwimmer) and his wire comes to mind, and is overall very original and bitingly funny. The camera work, for those who care about such details, is similar to Simon Pegg’s other movies, but seems rather shaky and amateurish when compared to say Hot Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead, but not to the point of distraction. Overall, this is one great movie, and Simon Pegg fans will not be disappointed.

Pro’s:
Plenty of laughs
Plenty of Gore
Simon Pegg
Strong thrills
Plot twists galore

Con’s:
David Schwimmer
Occasional clichés
The camera work is a little rough
Morbid ending
David Schwimmer

Final Decision: 4.5/5

Scored Review - Resident Evil 2

If you've never seen or played Resident Evil 2, imagine playing a game that looks uncannily like Final Fantasy 8 in its graphics and fixed camera views except with zombies walking up to you from every direction. This game would not be hard at all, except for the fact that things can be hiding right next to you and you'd never see them because of that darned fixed camera. That and no matter which direction your character faces, you can only move forward by pressing up on the control stick. This is RIDICULOUSLY hard to get used to. Especially trying to remember that when the character faces the screen right is left and left is right. Since you can't really aim, there's not much skill involved beyond mastering the messed up controls.

When the game starts you have a pistol with about twenty rounds, but don't worry, when you run out, you switch to your machine gun with infinite ammo. Good thing you remembered to bring a nice BACK-UP weapon. Even more impressive, though, is the rocket launcher with unlimited ammo. Unfortunately, the rockets' blast radius is just about enough to blow up an ant farm.

Resident Evil 2 is difficult for all the wrong reasons, lacks plot, has laughable voice acting, and I keep expecting the main character to whip out a gunblade, which would actually be really cool now that I think about it...

Pros:
- You get to kill things that have trouble fighting back

Cons:
- Bad controls
- Fixed camera
- No skill necessary
- Terrible plot and voice acting

Final Decision: 1 zombie out of 5

Scored Review – Resistance: Fall of Man

What if World War One never happened?

What if Tsarist Russia never fell?

What if strange mutants with advanced technology and a mysterious back-plot decided to take over Europe?

These are just some of the questions “Resistance: Fall of Man” by Insomniac Games attempts to answer before throwing you feet first into one of the best FPS’s of all times. Released in November 2006 (making this, admittedly this game just a few months shy of a year old) you quickly learn your mission: kill every one of those mother f****ing the Chimera, your enemies with a vague and mysterious back-story (Are the aliens, or something else? And does it really matter as long as I still get blow the living s*** out of them?). While the plot is surprisingly good for a FPS and has some interesting twists and turns, it’s all about the action in this game baby, and once you start, there’s no slowing down.

The AI is surprisingly good, often taking cover and teaming up against you, guaranteeing that unless you use some strategy yourself, you’re going to die. A lot. And on even the easier difficulties, this game will prove a challenge for you, providing at least 12 hours of game play. This is perhaps one of the best first person shooters I have ever played, even better I would argue, than the classic Halo and Halo 2 when it comes down to the single or co-op mods. And yes, though there are some other good FPS’s out there for PS3, if you have the chance to pick up “Resistance,” do so and fast.

Pro’s:
- Stupendous graphics
- Excellent controls
- Lots of action
- Wide variety of guns
- Excellent plot line

Con’s:
- Limited variety of enemies
- Vehicles + You = near invincibility

Final Decision: 4.5/5

Scored Review - Delicatessen

Delicatessen (1991)

Now, before I begin I must mention that this entire film is in French. Yes, it is a foreign film, and, yes, it is the type of film you would expect to see playing in a small art house that noone except for a few cigarette smoking beret wearing film snobs would attend. This does not, however, mean that you should pass up this film, but if you are one of those sad few who are so lazy that you can’t be bothered to read the subtitle, then by all means stop reading this review now.
Anybody still there? Good. Let’s get on with this.
Delicatessen is just one of those films that isn’t like ANYTHING you’ve seen before. Don’t believe me? Ok, let’s start with the setting. Delicatessen is set entirely in one building and the sewers below. Not weird enough yet? OK...lets say that maybe this building is smack dab in the middle of post-apocalyptic France. Oh, and through subtle clues in the movie apparently World War II didn’t go the same way. Still not convinced? Let’s move on to the plot. Apparently, in post-apocalyptic France not only is canabalism no longer frowned upon, it is now a way of life as the apocalypse seems to have killed all the livestock. Some of you may be saying, “Why don’t they just eat vegetables?” Well, for god knows what reason, they use vegetables as money. Unless you’re the building’s local prostitute of course. (Just watch the movie)
Our protagonist, Louison, is an ex-clown who decided to leave the city and move out to the country to answer the ad of a landlord and butcher, Clapet. Clapet rents his building out to a very strange host of tenets. The main reason that these tenets live in this building is that Clappet will every so often butcher the handyman and serve him up, at a reduced price of course, to the occupants of his building. All is going according to plan as Clapet hires on Louison as the new handyman with the intent to later feed him to the building, when Clapet’s daughter, Julie, falls for Lousion.
What follows are some of the darkest, most hilarious, childishly whimsical scenes I have ever seen. The set design is impeccable and the plot is extremely tangential yet it manages to boil down to an appropriate yet thrilling Climax
If you have any desire to see cinema as an actual art form I would recommend you rent or buy this movie. It may be somewhat hard to find in your local Block Buster so look for it in a local independent movie rental or buy it off the internet.

Pros
- An amazingly captivating performance by actors who are NOT being paid millions to do so.
- Probably the scariest dream sequence involving a monkey I’ve ever seen.
- While watching this I was either leaning forward in my seat or rolling back in it laughing.

Cons
- Yes, you will have to read subtitles
- Uses a lot of imagery that in actuality has no meaning behind it
- None of your “cool” friends will treat you the same after you force them to watch this.

Final Decision: 4.5/5

Review - “The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide”

Don't Panic
Perhaps the longest trilogy ever written with a total of five books (six if the short and excellent “Young Zaphoid Plays It Safe” is included), this British Science-Fiction comedy has appeared in several forms over the years before being bound in this single edition. According to the author himself, Douglas Adams, the books first appeared as a radio series before being published in book form, having little to resemble the plot of the radio shows they were based on. Since then, the first book (A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy), along with several books in the trilogy have alternately been made into a T.V. series, spun off into a computer game, published in comic book form and more recently, made into a movie which borrows from both the radio series and the books, and in true Douglas Adam’s fashion, swiftly contradicts both.

If you’ve never read this uproariously funny, satirical, and contradictory series of books, I highly recommend you doing so as soon as possible. Riddled with tangents that have nothing to do with anything until reappearing randomly later or not at all, this book will keep you laughing and guessing what will happen the entire way through. Not really a guide to the galaxy in of itself, but rather the story of one Arthur Dent (an inhabitant of an insignificant blue-green planet in the unfashionable bit of the western arm of the Galaxy), a careful reader will no doubt pick up some vital pieces of information for their attempts at space travel. But ultimately it all comes down to the story of Arthur Dent, a hapless Englishman who manages to escape shortly before the destruction of Earth; his best friend Ford Prefect, an alien from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and writer for the ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’; Zaphod Beeblebrox, former President of the Galaxy, Ford’s semi-cousin; Trillian, the only other survivor of Earth besides Arthur; along with a whole host of characters including Marvin the depressed robot as they travel across the galaxy for reasons they’re not even sure of.

Trust me, this book is one of the funniest books you will read as Douglas Adam’s writing will keep you guess on what will happen next all the while keeping you laughing.

Scored Review - Dresden Codak

Dresden Codak
http://dresdencodak.com/index.html

Dresden Codak...where to begin? This 29 page webcomic is probably the most inanely intelligent webcomic on the internet. The first 20 pages are all one off comics hitting on every thing from Nelson Mandela to the most humorous interpretation of Einstein’s theories I’ve ever seen. Comic 21 introduces the first concrete plot line of the series. The story opens with the main character, Kimiko, being stalked by a robot whom, after being discovered by Kimiko, is named Hob. The trouble is that time travelers from the future need Hob to get back to their own future.

Pros:
- The art is amazingly beautiful!
- The comic feels amazingly fresh and original.
- What other comic has a Tiny Carl Jung?

Cons:
- Some of the jokes are imposible to understand without a degree in existentialism.
- A new comic is added only once a month (sometimes every two months.
- What other comic has a Tiny Carl Jung?

Final Decision: 4/5

Info - Crazy Asian Pandas V. 1.0 beta

This blog is the combined efforts of three guys who really don't know much about anything important.
Instead they have devoted their lives to the geekier pursuits, and now they are going to share their vast wealth of stored knowledge with you, the reader.
Why are they taking the time and effort to post all this when they could be playing a 99 stock game of Smash Brothers Melee you ask?

Well, they'd like to say that they are sparing you from the horrible pitfalls that exist in the world of geekdom *cough Super Milk Chan cough*

They each have our own little areas of specialty. That's not to say that They won't from time to time encroach on each others "territory".


Midwest Commando - RTS's, FPS's, Xbox, Books, History

TheChosenOne - Japanese Games, J-rock, Anime, Movies

TheGallant - RPG's, Playstation, Music, Art, Technology

Shared - Internet, Restaurants, and Anything Else They Want To Review

In addition to all these reviews that will be coming your way once a month (at least) they will have a rant-off. a simple topic will be posed to all three bloggers and three similar yet different posts will emerge to rear their ugly heads.

In summary there will be 4 types of posts

Info - Stuff that explains the blog or explains innactivity

Rant - Pretty Self Explanitory

Unscored - Posts that approach the review process from an subjective stance

Scored - Posts that approach the review process from an objective stance

Hope You Hate It!